Not My Will

Ever wonder what God’s will for your life is? The whole idea of total will surrender to God have always fascinates me.

When talking about God’s will, it is just hard for me not to think about Jesus’ last night. Jesus knew all along that he had to die. I believe he have imagined how it will play out over and over again in his mind; and every time he does, dread creeps into the inner chambers of his being. The clock ticks, each second bringing him closer to insuperable pain and humility. I could imagine Jesus, eating the Passover meal with his disciples, the people he have spent three years together, the people he have grown accustomed to - Peter with his short temper but teachable heart, John the disciple very close to Jesus’ heart, and of course, Judas. How it breaks his heart, knowing that very moment Judas is thinking of turning him in for thirty pieces of silver. The disciples are all laughing and merrily enjoying each other’s company, ignorant to the fact that within hours, Jesus will endure the most painful day in his life. He tries to enjoy the feast that is in front of him; however, the thought of the path ahead of him triumphed over all appetite and hunger. Restlessness slid to his heart and perspiration dampens his hands as he holds the cup containing wine. “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you,” Jesus said, hoping that his voice would not betray the fear and sadness that overwhelms him. That night, in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus talks to his Father. He knows that this is his mission; he has to die. But the thought of all the things they can do to him brought him to his knees. The fear and the dread of his encounter with death gave pains him to the point where he can no longer stand. Tears no longer can communicate the stress and the anxiety that conquered his mind and body. He touches his forehead to wipe the perspiration off and saw that his sweat was no longer clear. It was crimson. Jesus cries out with anguish, and unable to contain this torture, he cried out to his Father. “If you are willing,” he cried, “take this cup from me.” As he pleaded to his Father, he knew that this is his part, written in the Great Book of his Father, the Author. He can simply get up and leave, turning his back on all mankind - past, present, and future - and avoid this agony. But this is not a matter of what he wants, Jesus realized. It is a matter of what my Father wants. With complete surrender, Jesus yielded, “Not my will, but Yours be done.”

Choosing God’s will over our own is never an easy task to do. Especially for me.

I am a planner. I plan everything. About three years ago, when I was a junior in high school, I had my life all planned out. After finishing high school, I was going to study Music Performance in New York University. After four years of studying a subject very close to my heart, I was going to do what I enjoy doing most: sing. I planned to get married by the age of 24 and I planned to have three kids - a boy and two adorable girls. I know exactly what I wanted, and I thought that was exactly what I needed. My prayers to God were not anything close to Jesus’ prayer. Mine was more like a restaurant order: this is what I want, and this is what I need you to do.

There is one lesson that God wanted me to learn: that I am not God.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth.
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:8-11

Learning that lesson - believe me, I am still learning - is a painful process for me. But now, three years later, I find myself in Kirkland, Washington, studying Youth Ministry in Northwest University. This is not part of the plan, at least not part of mine. When people ask me what I plan to do after I graduate, I have to be honest: I have no clue. Three years ago, that answer is not in my vocabulary. Now, it is, and I am okay with it. When people ask me when I want to get married, the answer is also: I have no idea. And I am okay with it. When my girlfriends ask me how many kids I want after I get married, the answer is: three. But I will be as content and as grateful to God if he gives me four, two, one, or even no children at all as if he gives me three children.

After three years of disciplining me in the area of “letting God be God,” I no longer have the need to be the planner of my life. I figured out that it is too big of a task for me to handle, so I just give it up to the creator of my life, the one who has the blueprint entitled “Tirza” in his hands. Now, he has another aspect of the lesson for me to learn: how to figure out the will of God in my life.

These past four weeks have been a great struggle for me to figure out God’s will in my life - actually, it is to figure out God’s will in a certain aspect of my life. I really want to do God’s will, but I did not know what God’s will is. If I know what it is, I will gladly choose it. The problem was: I did not know what God wants me to do. I knew what I want, but I wanted to know what God wants.

I was confused, frustrated, and depressed.

After much agony and tears, I decided to live my life and see where God is guiding me. As I go through the days following my decision, I thought that everything would go like how I wanted it to because it looked perfect. I enjoyed every single moment of it.

Yesterday, I felt something in my spirit. I do not know why or how, but I felt no peace. I had to sit down and think about everything. I knew that the Holy Spirit is nudging me to make the decision to do what I did not want to do.

I gave in. I knew that God is revealing his will for me, and I felt at peace because he revealed his will and now it is time for me to obey. I knew exactly what to do.

Today, as I stood outside in the sun, it felt as if God was smiling at me and said, “thaddagirl”

I am broken, but it is oh so wonderful.

“At the cross you beckon me
You gently draw me to my knees
and I am lost for words, so lost in love
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.”