Definitely Not PG

Disclaimer: I am NOT, by any means, saying that God condones things portrayed in our world's view of R-rating (drugs, violence, sex, and excruciatingly bad language). So don't misquote me.

I grew up in a Christian home, and, thus, was highly exposed to movies and books that depicts Bible stories. There are really nothing wrong with them. They are nice. They are good. They are consistent with the Bible. They are... clean.

I fully understand that these people made movies and books out of Bible stories for the whole family to enjoy. That is why they area all rated PG, or even G. A few weeks ago, in the middle of the chaos I call "Dead Week and Finals Week," I took a study break and began thinking about random subjects. God is the Master Storyteller. He came up with characters, conflicts, plot twists, and scenes none of us can even try to imagine. As I conversed with my roommate, who was also tired of studying, we got to the subject of how Bible stories really should not be rated PG. In a sense, they should be rated R.

Let's start someplace near the very beginning. Ah, the very first murder. Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is nowhere near PG-rated. A brother murdered his younger brother with a huge jagged rock. No clean and bloodless strangulation. No poisoning with wild herbs. Cain repeatedly hit his brother and did not stop until his brother lay lifeless, blood oozing freely from his open wounds.

Next comes the scene where a father was asked, by God, to sacrifice his one and only son as a burnt offering. I don't even want to start imagining that one. The whole idea of a father ending the life of his own flesh and blood and sets it ablaze on top of an altar could never ever fall under the category of something PG. It is an image no morally normal human being want to have in his or her mind.

Lot's daughters, after the catastrophe of Sodom and Gomorrah, got their father drunk and slept with him. Now that is an image I don't care to have in my head.

Dinah, Jacob's daughter, was raped. The Bible said that she was "violated." Out of anger and revenge, her brothers, Simeon and Levi, had the men of Shechem be circumcised and murdered. That was a massacre. Simeon and Levi killed every male in that city.

Our world is quite familiar with the idea of sexual seduction. (Don't act like you're surprised I just said that. It's everywhere! Try watching tv for a couple of hours.) Gorgeous women with sexy, seductive clothes on markets cars, cigarettes, computers, and many other things. The story of Joseph in the Bible went under a lot of censoring. When Potiphar's wife seduces Joseph, I am sure she did not only say, "Come to bed with me!" I'll leave you to your imagination and the influence of today's media to come to the same conclusion I did: this story's not PG either.

The ten plagues, the wrath of God spilled on the Egyptian kingdom, was nowhere near clean. It's gruesome. And gross. Death and destruction were everywhere. Water makes up 70% of the world's surface; when in place of water, you find fresh, thick blood, you feel so sick - the kind of nauseating sickness you feel after you watched "Sweeney Todd" - you wish you were dead. The plague of frogs was not where a bunch of cute harmless frogs come and play with you; they were slimey and gross, and you decide that you would rather starve to death than eat things contaminated by the slime and the smell of those amphibians. Now I come from a country that is located conveniently on the Equator. It is extremely hot and humid there. You find flies everywhere, but you can live with that because you can still drive them away from you. But when you look up the sky and it is covered with flies that sunlight cannot even pierce through their ranks, fear grips every single nerve in you. Talking about fear, it is normal for anyone to be afraid, or just to be more guarded, in the dark. However, when you are in the dark, you have the hope that the next day, the sun will come out and drive the darkness away. But when what was supposed to be day and night is inseparable, and darkness so thick you cannot see your hands in front of you engulfs, it unnerves even the bravest of heroes. And last of all, their own flesh and blood, lay lifeless in their hands. No one without blood smeared on their door frames were spared. I love how the Bible depicts it: "At midnight the LORD struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh, who sat on the throne, to the firstborn of the prisoner, who was in the dungeon, and the firstborn of all the livestock as well. Pharaoh and all his officials and all the Egyptians got up during the night, and there was loud wailing in Egypt, for there was not a house without someone dead" (Ex 12.29-30 NIV). I'm quoting the movie, "In Her Shoes," where an old lady commented, "A parent burying a child goes against the law of nature." And that, the most gut-wrenching plague that can ever descend on humanity, was what gave the Israelites their freedom. Was all that PG? I'll let you decide that one.

Moses, the renowned leader of the Israelites, the man who led the people of God out of slavery, murdered an Egyptian man. I love Dreamworks' "Prince of Egypt," but a murder is not clean. It's violent. Then we skip a few scenes to see Israel in the period of its conquest of the Promised Land. When they come and conquer a place, they were told to spare no one. Not even women and children. Imagine blood everywhere. Imagine dead bodies everywhere. Imagine lifeless children everywhere.

Let's jump to the story of Ruth; it's one of my favorite Bible stories. You might revisit the story and think, what part of it is not PG? The part where Ruth comes to the threshing floor and revealed her intentions or agenda, or whatever it is you'd like to call it, to Boaz. I love how, growing up, I've always picture the scene just like how it was portrayed in one of those old movies I watched: Boaz went to a party, he was tired, and then he went to rest at the threshing floor when Ruth came. (Yes, because the threshing floor is one's first choice to rest on.) Realistically? Boaz was out partying all night, eating and drinking. He was drunk! And then he passed out on the threshing floor. That was what Ruth saw when she came to him. I am just imagining Boaz's reaction when he woke up to see Ruth laying there. What is she doing here? Did we...? Did something happen? Oh crud. I'm sure Ruth had to calm him down, saying something like: "No, nothing happened. Calm down. Breathe. I have a question, though. Do you mind marrying me?" That would have been a hilarious scene to watch.


Now let's travel to Ruth's great grandson, the man that brought forth Israel's golden age. From his childhood, David has had to deal with wild anymals. Mind you, these are not animals from the zoo that have been accustomed to being oohed and aah-ed by people. These lions and bears are agile with their predator instinct still intact. These are the creatures David had to fight with. This man, unfortunately, had seen too many gory and bloody scenes, some too heart wrenching that I often wonder why David never lost his sanity. He had to see his son die, hanging by his beautiful hair from a tree, killed by David's own army commander. This same David was the king who stripped down and danced for the Lord shamelessly. David has also committed some foolish crimes of his own. One day, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time and saw this apparition - a beautiful woman bathing. His lust discarded all common sense and led him to take Batsheba, right there and then, even though he knew she was married. David then went above and beyond that. He murdered Bathsheba's husband, a good man and a good soldier. This particular story is very unfortunate; it involves sex, lust, and murder.

Songs of Solomon... Yeah, I won't even go there.

I'll jump straight to Jesus. You might ask, what do you have to say about Jesus being not PG? I think Jesus is not PG. He brings up ideas that challenge the mindset of the people around them. Some might think that he's coming up with wild conspiracy theories, or that he's delusional. But he's just providing us with a revelation that requires an individual much larger than humanity to provide. Jesus' death and suffering is one that can never be rated PG. It's much too horrific. I think Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" is as close to reality as it has ever been portrayed. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends." (John 15:13) Jesus was beaten, flogged, crucified. His beard was plucked out, he was paraded for all the world to see. He had nails hammered into his wrists and feet. His blood continually flowed out of his body, and he experienced pain like none other during those hours. Jesus is not "clean." He is most definitely not "safe," either. Like Aslan, from C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, Jesus is not "safe," but he is good.

I think I'm just rambling on and on and on. But the conclusion I have finally arrived to, after a few weeks of wandering thoughts, is that following God is not a "safe" thing. It's real. It's an adventure. If you're afraid to get hurt, or afraid of stepping on some toes, then you'll be very surprised. God is not safe, but he is good.