On August 16, 2006, I left my home country to go to the United States. That was a very exciting yet heartbreaking time in my life. I was nervous and excited to go to an unknown land, full of new adventures. On the other hand, I was living out Ella Fitzgerald's hit, "Every Time We Say Goodbye" - I cried a little, died a little. Throughout the years prior to my departure, I have gained the love and friendship of a new family, a close knit group of friends that do almost everything together. When I said goodbye to these wonderful people, I left a big chunk of my heart back home in Jakarta.
Don't get me wrong. We're all still friends. Everything is just... well... different.
Okay, let me sort of try to explain where I'm coming from. I just got back here about a week ago. I couldn't describe to you how I felt the days prior to going home. I was kind of nervous and, inside, I really wished I could chicken out and not go home. The $1,600 already paid for airfare forced me to board that airplane. Some might ask why I felt that way, especially since I haven't gone home for nearly a year. I guess the reason why I felt the way I did was the sudden realization that when I come back home and meet up with my friends, I will find that things are not as I remembered it. My fear proved to be true. I came back and saw my friends at church again. I felt as if I didn't belong there anymore. During the two years I have spent away in college, I have changed. I no longer think the same way I thought two years ago. I no longer act the way I did two years ago. But I am not the only person that changed. My friends did too. They had birthdays and other interesting changes. They stumbled across new inside jokes that I know not the origin. I'm now back for the summer, and it's pretty intimidating to hang out once again with my friends. They are still my friends. They still want to hang out with me. Some things, like Josh's big bear hugs (thank God!) never change. But things are just different. I used to walk into the church gallery and feel like I'm at home. Now, I come in and I feel so out of place.
I realize that it's really nobody's fault. Nothing can stay the same forever. Things are bound to change. It's unnatural for things to permanently stay the same. I know that the reason why this realization hits me hard like a brick wall was because I've been running like every thing is the way it was when I left it two years ago. I think part of my slow thought process comes from my selfish wish for their world to stop when I'm not around. In my head, I never fully comprehended that after I left, my friends moved on with their lives. I also think that part of why this bugs me so much is because I have never been a lover of change. I want things to be the same and predictable. Maybe that explains why I rarely can branch out. When I go to the Aerie, I order a tall vanilla latte. I wouldn't order anything else. When I go to Starbucks, I order a caramel macchiato with extra caramel drizzle. When I go to Sarduccis, the only thing I ever get is ravioli with meatballs and garlic bread. But friends cannot be compared to coffee or food. They are people. And, of course, people change.
I guess the only thing I can do right now is accept the change and run with it until I get to the next brick wall.
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