Why are you striving these days- By Your Side, by Tenth Avenue North
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go, child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
So about a month ago, I realized I was at the lowest point in my life. I am the kind of person that have always been confident of what I want to do in life. I remember back in high school, when he was told to describe me, my teacher said that I am the kind of person that loves life. A month ago, that was not the case.
I was standing on a beach, by the clear blue waters. I have always loved the beach, the feel of the warm sand the cold, refreshing water. That was my definition of peace. But not this time. I felt like a big wave had crashed over me, engulfing me with its strong arms. I was pushed down. Deeper and deeper. I got to the point where I need oxygen. The panic, the desperation, the fear was all around me. I tried so hard to push my way up, trying to swim against the pressure. I finally saw the light of day and quickly gasped a mouthful of air. The next second, another wave crashed on me, pulling me down. Deeper and deeper. I tried to swim and fight the pressure. This time, I felt my muscles ache. There was no ounce of strength left in me to swim up. So what can I do. I let go of all hope and drift further and further down.
I wasn't really on a beach. I wasn't really drowning. But it felt like I was.
I was at the point where I had let go of all hope and drift further and further down into depression. I know what God's promises are for my life. I know that his plans are supposed to be good. But I couldn't see it. I couldn't see it ever happening to me. Everytime I think about it, I cry. What else could one do? I was at the point where I could not trust God anymore. I literally did not have the strength or the ability to trust God. I was just there, falling deeper and deeper to this abyss. I told my parents this, the only people I talked to about this. I knew it hurt them to see me that way, but I was unable to do anything. My mother kept on telling me that I have always been a strong, confident girl. "Get up and fight it!" was what she said. And I told her, "I can't..." I did not feel that girl in me anymore. I felt a totally different person, a failure.
It's funny that the prayer intern could not find it in her to pray. I literally could not pray.
The story did not end there, though. After a while, I started to become angry. I was mad at God. I was angry because he was not doing what he promised me he would. I was angry because I was heartbroken. I was angry because I was alone. I was angry... and I told him. I prayed, but my prayer was anger... I told him everything, everything that was wrong with my life. I told him that I was sick of my life. I asked him, "If you love me, why am I hurting?"
This song came in the picture. I twas in the playlist I was playing at the time. I felt God was speaking these words to me, as he held me in his arms. No matter how hard I fight back, his arms were still there. And then he tells me, "Please don't fight these hands that are holding you."
I felt like a hand grabbed mine and pulled me out of the deep water. It felt good because, finally, I was able to breathe again. Oxygen felt so strange, but good at the same time. I was in someone's arms. It wasn't cold and dark anymore, but warm and light.
I was looking for love and searching as if God is not enough.
I'm not saying I have it all figured out. But it's a journey.
I am falling more and more in love - with God. All the others? They don't really matter.
